Throughout my entire life, I've always been sure of what I wanted to do. It started out with what after school activities I wanted to do, then later what diploma course I wanted to do after O levels. I've been lucky so far, I got what I wanted... but not without hard work.
After my diploma, I wanted to pursue a degree in Journalism, or Communication.. something I've been interested in and have been doing since I was a kid. I love writing. Unfortunately, Singapore doesn't have many reputable media courses, and I don't do well enough to compete for a place in the only national university that offered the course. I wanted to pursue my degree overseas, but my parents weren't exactly very supportive of my choice. So I made a compromise.
I entered Lasalle with the aim to study Fashion Communication. It was a three-year degree course with honours. The first semester was the most challenging because we would need to be exposed all the Fashion disciplines in school. I did well for the management and communication bits, but struggled at sewing and textiles. As the semester progressed, I was increasingly hating what I was doing, hating my parents for not being supportive of me studying journalism overseas and me.. for compromising.
When 2012 rolled by, I was miserable. Nothing was going right in my life; I was struggling to keep myself afloat at school, and the one person I loved was giving me hell. I was so angry all the time, and it reflected on myself, on my relationships and on everything that I did. I know I had to let something go, before I went into a complete nervous breakdown.
One night, I sat alone in my room, praying. I was trapped in a dark place, the darkest I've ever been in. I wasn't sure I was going to make it out alive. I needed His guidance, and He is the only One I'd turn to for salvation. I prayed for Him to send me a sign because I didn't know what to do anymore.
By God's Grace, He sent me a huge sign.
It took me a lot of courage to tell my parents I've had enough. They took it more calmly than I had expected, but I still felt like I failed them. I did disappoint them, and worst of all... I let me down. I've never done anything like this before, I've always finished what I started. It was a costly mistake, and I am still beating myself up over it.
His Guidance didn't just stop there. A few weeks later, the guy I loved and cared for with all my heart decided that he didn't want me in any part of his future and that was the end of everything we had for the past 6 years. That was it. Yes, I was devastated and heaven knew how much it hurt. But after a week of feeling shite, I got back up and went on with life. At that time, I felt like I've gotten the closure I needed. The people closest to me didn't think so, but I felt free.. finally. I knew I will always love him, and he'd be one of those people whom I will never get over till I find someone better.. But his mind had been made, and I can't change it.
After that, I felt liberated. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. In front of me lay a road with endless possibilities. My future was uncertain, but I was sure I'll get somewhere, someday.
I never regretted quitting school, because if I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to do everything that I did the past year. All the travels, all the people I met and all the jobs and experiences I underwent.. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I didn't hate him for what he did to me. Yes, for a really long while I was angry because I didn't think I deserved the crap he was giving me. But I never regretted ever knowing him.. or loving him even because I learnt a hell lot from the experience. Despite him stating that he didn't want anything to do with me, we still saw each other.. and as much as he doesn't want to show it, he still cared about me as much as I do about him.
Right now I'm doing something I never thought I'd do. I'm enjoying life, taking each day in its stride... I may have regretted a few things I've done and if I could do it over, I'd make things right. I've changed a lot in the past year and sometimes not for the better. But I do the best that I can.
I am content and I am ever grateful.
♥
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